Good morning from Suzuka, where we still have absolutely no bloody idea how today’s grid will look.

That’s right, the FIA don’t know, we don’t know, you don’t know. It’s all a bit crazy to be honest, but so was yesterday’s qualifying session.

The original grid has been hit with five-place penalties for Alonso, Button, Barrichello and Sutil for setting their fastest Q2 sector times under yellow flags (tut-tut), and Buemi also got a penalty for impeding other drivers on their qualifying laps after he stacked it at the end of Q2. Liuzzi has a five-place grid penalty for a changed gearbox (which after qualifying 19th means he’ll be starting in Fuji), and so will Kovalainen but McLaren are waiting for all the other nonsense to be resolved before announcing it. Oh, and Glock will probably be replaced by Kobayashi after the German’s monster shunt yesterday. Adam and I went to pay him a visit in hospital last night but he’d already been released, which was excellent news.

All of which means that we in the media centre have been trying to figure out our own grids. We’ve all come up with different versions, which I think shows just how confused and idiotic the whole system is at the moment. I mean, it’s our jobs to know about this stuff, right? And yet if we don’t get it, how on earth is anyone else supposed to?

Anyway, I have applied the penalties in the order in which they were handed out. As such, this is how I think the grid will look… and I open myself freely for being completely, and blindingly wrong with every position.

1. Sebastian Vettel
2. Jarno Trulli
3. Lewis Hamilton
4. Nick Heidfeld
5. Kimi Raikkonen
6. Rubens Barrichello
7. Adrian Sutil
8. Nico Rosberg
9. Jenson Button
10. Robert Kubica
11. Heikki Kovalainen
12. Sebastien Buemi
13. Jaime Alguersuari
14. Giancarlo Fisichella
15. Kazuki Nakajima
16. Fernando Alonso
17. Romain Grosjean
18. Vitantonio Liuzzi
19. Kamui Kobayashi
Pit Lane: Mark Webber

Of course, and as we know, the FIA can be a law unto itself with these kind of things, so expect to see a completely loopy grid for this afternoon’s race because when all of the penalties have been applied to the letter, we’ll probably end up with Alain Prost on pole… on the wrong side of the grid.

In the meantime, and given that we’re talking about grids, here’s a bit of early 90s random banjo dance music… courtesy of “The Grid”, with their timeless classic “Swamp Thing”.